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Bayblade by NinjaKitteh97


 Chapter 1

It was a great day. You were the most well known blader in your home town. It had only been a week since you started you're travels.

   " Sooooo bored." You said completly disapointed." ARENT THERE ANY BLADERS AROUND HERE?!" You yelled out loud and started walking again. You were at a desert. Just as you were about to drink a bottle of water you were suddenly attacked by a bey." WHAT THE WHAT?!" You fell on the ground and got up spiting sand out of you're mouth"*ptew* bleck Ew Ew Ew Ew!" You got up at the sound of somebody lauphing." Heh heh you're funny!" A young boy with orange hair said cheerfully." YOU DID THAT KID?! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY TASTE BUDS?!" You said angrily." First of all my names not kid its Yuu, second i was just having fun. Don't be sutch a groutch." Yuu said smiling. " Jerk..." you said madly. "You want fun I'll give you fun" you said still a little mad.

"Don't forget you're task Yuu." A strange man said wile holding a cup of orange juice and taking a sip of it. "Yea, yea catch the target and don't let her escape blah blah blah I got it ok?" Saidd Yuu. You couldent help bit giggle a little. "Huh what's so funny?" Yuu aksed sounding a bit annoyed." Well you look kinda cute when you're mad..." You said. "N-no I d-d-don't!" He blushed a bit. "Yuu don't let _________ distract you." "How do you know my name Oldy Mc. Foureyes? Are you a stalker or something?" You asked. "Enouph! Hurry up and let battle!" "Fine" you said wile aiming you're bey _________(bey name). 3!2!1! Let it rip!!! ________ and libra started spinning on a flat rock. "Go __________!" You said. ___________ started to attack Libra head on. "Is that the best you've got?" Yuu asked with a huge grin on his face. "No its not!" You were a bit frustrated. "Don't think that your better than me!Go now ___(b/n)____!" Your bey started to dash around Libra. "This is just so fun fun fun!!!" Yuustarted jumping up and down. "Give em all youve got Libra!" Libra attacked ___(b/n)___ and nearly sent it flying. "Yuu don't let youre guard down just becouse your winning." Doji took another sip of his orange juice. "Don't get your pants in a knot i know what im doing." Yuu was full of himself. Your bey was starting to reatch its limmit and so was Yuu's. "Time to finish this!" You said. "Special move!______________________( special move name.) Boom!!! You were smiling and panting thinking that you have won. "Heheheheh my turn!" You opend you're eyes and stood there Stunned. "Libra special move! Inferno Blast!" You stood there as you're bey was just sent flying. Out of no  where you felt a sharp pain and you fell to the floor. "No Doji Stop!!!" You heard Yuu say befor you fell unconsiouse. Doji smirked as ou layed there motionless and Yuu was trying to Wake you up.

Gynga's POV ~

   I was out looking for something to do so i decided to go to the desert. It was a beutiful day so i sat down for a wile. Just as i was about to fall asleep i heard a huge BOOM!! and i decided to go check it out. I then ran intoa horrible scene. There was a girl lying on the floor. "Hey what are you doing?!" i tried to get to the girl as fast as i could but i dident make it on time. "Sorry Gynga but you wont stand in the way of my plan." Doji then left on his helicopter with the girl. "I will stop you Doji!!! You hear me!!! I Will!!!"

Too be continued~
It took me 1 hour but i finally learned ho to submit this crud i hope you people like and please tell me how i did in this and tell me how i can improve
Add a Comment:
 
:iconbiohazardshorty:
BiohazardShorty Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Student Writer
who exactly is the insert dating? is it gingka?
Reply
:iconninjakitteh97:
NinjaKitteh97 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2014
well none of them its a choice you make at the end one of the three boys
Reply
:iconbiohazardshorty:
BiohazardShorty Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2014  Student Writer
Ohhh okay
Reply
:icondoge-chan:
Doge-Chan Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, sense this is a multiple Fan-Fic (Multiple x Reader in other words,) there's a very large number of the people whom you could end up with, but stories like these they either,
1. Stop the story without a real date,
2. Create what some call 'Lemons' for each character the Reader encounters, (Gingka, Hyoma, Kyoya, ect) (but this is a kid's anime so that's bullshit) 
or 3. The main Reader dies and the end,
so yeah. Many characters in a Multiple Character Fanfic, sometimes too many to make a full, good series out of it. Hehe~
Reply
:iconbiohazardshorty:
BiohazardShorty Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Student Writer
oh well that makes more sense
Reply
:icondoge-chan:
Doge-Chan Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Glad to explain things!
Reply
:iconbiohazardshorty:
BiohazardShorty Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Student Writer
:) lmao
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:icondoge-chan:
Doge-Chan Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Also,
Lemons are fucking nasty.
Dying is alright.
Because it's not you in real life and it's your OC.
And giving up on stuff makes little kiddos rage and curse at you.
Hehe~
Reply
:iconmiusarako:
MiuSarako Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014
I don't think theres a beautiful day on the desert
Reply
:iconninjakitteh97:
NinjaKitteh97 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2014
Yea I should probrably change that huh? Ehehehe I had no ideas back then and I just wanted to start my first chapter
Reply
:iconsomerscare:
somerscare Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014
You are doing awesome I can't wait to see the next one chapter 8
Reply
:iconforeverfiolee21:
ForeverFiolee21 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014
YOU HEAR ME I WILLL FUCKKKK YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU LOL XDDDDD great I be liken
Reply
:iconxaldin03:
xaldin03 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2013  Student General Artist
I HEAT DOJI SO MUCH!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconninjakitteh97:
NinjaKitteh97 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2013
you and me both dude!
Reply
:iconxaldin03:
xaldin03 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2013  Student General Artist
High five bro!
Reply
:iconninjakitteh97:
NinjaKitteh97 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2013
Hi Five! *Jumps and gives you a hi five*

Reply
:iconxaldin03:
xaldin03 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Student General Artist
Yes
Reply
:iconninjakitteh97:
NinjaKitteh97 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013
LOL!

Reply
:iconxaldin03:
xaldin03 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Student General Artist
Bor fist
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:iconninjakitteh97:
NinjaKitteh97 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
Bro fist!!!
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(1 Reply)
:iconsabrinaxkyoya:
SabrinaXKyoya Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Student Artist
i like it. can you put a link to part 2?
Reply
:icontsukinochan13:
Tsukinochan13 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013
Yeah
Reply
:iconthetigeresswithin:
TheTigeressWithin Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Well...you have a good concept going on here.

There are a few things I'd like to mention that I think might help your story.

1. "It was a great day you were the most well known blader in your home town." One: They're two separate sentences. Such as :"It was a great day. You were the most well known blader in your hometown." Two: What do the two sentences have to do with each other? Or the rest of the story? The first sentence is the most important sentence in a story. It draws the reader in. Put something more interesting in the beginning, like some dialogue ("Not a bad day for us, huh (insert bey name here)?") or an onomatopoeia (WHOOSH! My opponent's bey flew out of the bey-dish.)

2. You use the word "said" 14 times. You can use other words such as moaned, laughed, chuckled, teased, reminded, shouted, etc. That doesn't mean you CAN'T use the word "said", however. And try not to go overboard with the synonyms, either. Basically, everything's best in moderation.

3. The "( couldent think of any other place)" and the :( kinda knock the reader out the story, which is the opposite of what you want to do (draw them in even deeper). I recommend taking them out.

4. The 2nd paragraph is slightly off center compared to the others. And a few spelling errors (in order from appearance): 1st paragraph: your, not you're. 
2nd paragraph: disappointed, not disapointed. Spitting, not spiting. Laughing, not lauphing. It's, not its. I, not i. Such, not sutch. Grouch, not groutch. 
3rd paragraph: your, not you're. While, not wile. Couldn't, not couldent. Asked, not aksed. Enough, not enouph. Limit, not limmit. Opened, not opend. Before, not befor. Nowhere, not no  where. Unconscious, not unconsiouse. Laid, not layed. 
There are also a few capitalization errors, but I'll not list them. My point is, while the story is still understandable with these errors, fixing them would give your story a neater, more professional look.

5. You could describe the battle in a LITTLE more detail than that. It's not like the story is too long already (it's not) and a heated bey battle would be indefinitely more interesting than the words "Time Skip". The readers have stuck around this far, you might as well reward them with a little action.

6. The scene with Doji and Yuu has some excitement in it, and certainly sets the mood and suspense for the next chapter, which is good. But you've got the piece titled "GINGKA X Reader" (it's Gingka, not Gynga). So naturally readers will be wondering, where does Gingka come into this? Of course, you could have them just stick around for the next chapter. But you could also add a second part to this chapter on what Gingka's doing in the meanwhile, or have a prologue with Gingka in it. I'm not saying you HAVE to do these things, I'm just suggesting them.

In short, you've got a piece with a lot of potential in it. Just work on improving it and polishing up the material, and I'm sure we'll be seeing that potential shine through!

I hope I don't sound too mean in this comment...which is very long.
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:iconkagomeandsesshomaru9:
kagomeandsesshomaru9 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013  Hobbyist
Really nice. Keep it going.
Reply
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July 28, 2013
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